Curious about sex positions that include an element of bondage? We got you. You might want to be the dominant partner, submissive partner (aka receiving partner), or turn your partner into a sex slave for the night. Who knows? The world of BDSM is unlimited!
Whether you’re into kinky sex positions that involve P-in-the-V penetration, you’re more into the anal sex thing, or you just want to see your playmate all dressed up in a crotch rope and nipple clamp, there’s something here for everyone! Your sex life is about to get a bondage upgrade, y’all.
What is BDSM?
If you Google “BDSM” on Google, you’re gonna get no fewer than 500 million results (contrast this with “missionary sex,” which only gets you about 165M results). You’re also gonna see some pretty intense sh*t that could be a little overwhelming. Who even knew a sex toy could be used that way?!
So let’s start simple: What does BDSM stand for? Well, a few different things, but basically: Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism. In other words, the Ds and Ss do double duty, so they’re involved in a few different things.
If you’re interested in BDSM, you’re far from alone. According to one study, close to 47 percent of women and a whopping 60 percent of men have had fantasies about dominating someone sexually. That might involve something like chair bondage, or kinky sex positions with blowjobs and restraints. Again, the possibilities are endless!
And while slightly fewer men and more women reported being aroused by the concept of being dominated, the truth is that you can very easily be what’s called “switchy,” meaning that you like to switch roles. This is also quite healthy, since you learn different things about yourself in different positions (see what we did there?).
By the way, that same study also showed that nearly 47 percent of all adults are into the idea of participating in at least one non-traditional kind of sexual activity. How many had actually done so in the past? Close to 34 percent. So there’s a gap between those who are interested in gettin’ down and dirty in this way and those who haven’t done it yet. Who knows? Maybe that’s where you yourself fall!
What is bondage?
So what exactly is the bondage part of the whole BDSM scenario? Well, according to Ally Head of Marie Claire, “[T]he B in BDSM involves consensually tying, binding, or restraining a partner for erotic, aesthetic, or somatosensory (tactile) stimulation.” In other words, B is for bondage, and it’s good enough for all. ;)
Head goes on: “Speaking to TIME magazine, certified sex therapist Dr. Stephanie Hunter Jones explains that BDSM is an expression of one’s uniqueness of their sexuality. It normally involves one partner restraining or tying the other up and taking more control in the sexual scenario.”
OK, so we’ve got bondage, which is a pretty wide term that can include everything from having a partner or partners use ball gags for the night, to serious bondage restraints used at a full-on BDSM dungeon.
Part of what’s really great about this whole thing is that it doesn’t matter whether you have a huge dick or a fetish about a certain BDSM position; everything is welcome. There are tons of ways to play with the energy of dominance and submission at all different levels (including beginner), and it can be a lot of heat to add to your sex life.
It’s also good to know that according to Dr. Filippo M. Nimbi, researcher at the International Institute of Clinical Sexology and in the Department of Dynamic & Clinical Psychology at Sapienza University, “BDSM is a healthy expression of sexuality.”
What does he mean? Nimbi explains: “People engaging in BDSM are usually people who have thought a lot about their sexuality. They have explored and faced their sexual boundaries. Basically, they know what they like, and they do it. This has a positive outcome on their sexual experiences and on the overall quality of their lives.”
Dr. Nimbi was also a coauthor on another study that came out inThe Journal of Sexual Medicine, which compared 200 control subjects (who reported their sex lives as being traditional) to 266 consensual BDSM practitioners. In addition to other findings, the researchers discovered that those in the BDSM group had a tendency to report fewer sexual problems than those in the control group. In other words, exploring yourself sexually in the arena of BDSM is likely good for your overall sexual health.
3 tips for bondage play
Ready to get started? When it comes to BDSM play, the first thing to know is that you’re gonna be getting into some intense and super powerful emotions. When it comes to bondage sex, whether you’re looking for a gentle encounter or a rough fuck, a frog tie or a hog tie, nipple clamp or oral sex while blindfolded, you’re gonna want to establish some ground rules first. Here are three tips to make your bondage play both safe and pleasurable:
Talk about what you’re both wanting.
One of the most challenging parts of getting into all this can be just even bringing it up with your significant other, especially if the subject has yet to be broached in your relationship. In the words of Submissive Guide’s Initiating a Discussion About BDSM Interest with a Vanilla Partner, “‘What do I do if my significant other is vanilla?’”
According to the Guide, “This is a common situation and one which does not have an easy answer. It is important because, for many of us, it is not sufficient to simply bury our desires and needs for BDSM submission … The alternative to discussing this with your partner is to hide your desires and while this may be a safer route for some who are unwilling to risk any stress in their relationship, it has a large chance of causing damage to the relationship not only from a significant lack of your own fulfillment but also from a significant lack of open communication.”
In other words, it’s actually super important that if this is a desire of yours, you’re able to bring it up, share what you’re wanting, and see what they’re wanting.
One easy way to do this is to go through a worksheet or a BDSM checklist together so that you don’t have to organize the whole conversation. A worksheet like a BDSM checklist can help organize what’s available and how to even talk about all the things.
Or in the words of sexpert Adriana, “A BDSM checklist can be a useful tool in your relationship … Obviously, it helps you and a new partner get on the same page. You’ll know one another’s interests and experiences. If you’re a BDSM beginner, the options available to you might be mind-blowing, and a checklist is a great place to start so you aren’t too overwhelmed.”
Even if you’re already in partnership or you’ve explored this area with someone before, a BDSM checklist can be super helpful. Adriana goes on to say, “[The checklist] might unveil an interest or highlight an activity that you’re only doing for your partner. As interests and experiences change, you can update your BDSM checklist and check in with one another. You might decide to try something new or scale back from an activity that neither of you really enjoys. This doesn’t mean that you need to have a partner to get use out of a BDSM checklist. As a single person, you can discover more about yourself and perhaps focus on what you really want from sex and/or BDSM partners in the future.”
There are also loads of sexperts who offer ways of bringing up or having The BDSM Conversation, including on YouTube. Healthy boundaries are extremely necessary, so you want to be well-versed in what each of you is looking for in this kind of thing before clothes come off and bondage play gets well and truly on the way. If you’re feeling nervous about experimenting with BDSM, look into sex toys for couples - these toys are a great way to mix things up in the bedroom (perfect for easying your way into BDSM toys).
Figure out your safe words and/or actions
You’re probably already familiar with the concept of a safe word, but in case you’re not: According to sex and relationship expert Annabelle Knight, “A safeword is a word or signal that ends BDSM (bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism) play instantly. It can be any word that isn't a part of common play speech.”
So basically, a safe word is a word like “caterpillar” that you don’t normally use, that, when employed during a BDSM encounter, stops all sexual play.
That is valuable, but another way of doing this is the stoplight or traffic light method. Basically the sub just says “green”, “yellow”, or “red” depending on how they’re feeling about what’s going on. According to Kinkly, “Red indicates that the scene needs to be stopped and the sub released from any restraints. Yellow indicates that what is happening is testing the sub's tolerance and they may be near their edge. Green indicates that the scene is being enjoyed by the sub and should be continued.”
If you’re going to be doing bondage restraints that involve the face or mouth (like using a ball gag, mask, or other things that constrict someone’s ability to speak), then you’re also going to need safe actions. Since the sub won’t be able to say words like “red” you’ll want to have a system. For example, tapping the dom three times will mean “stop.” Or you can have them hold squeaky adult sex toys that they can squeeze once for green, twice for yellow or three times for red.
Engage in lots of aftercare
According to certified sex educator Irma Garcia, “Aftercare is basically the care-taking that is done by all parties involved after a sexual experience [in order] to check in emotionally and physically.”
Aftercare is arguably even more important after a BDSM situation, due to the often heightened levels of vulnerability and trust required. But as Garcia puts it, “[A]ftercare isn’t just important for people who prefer chains and whips. Everyone can benefit from the ritual since aftercare can make the bond with your partner(s) stronger and up the overall intimacy of your sexual experience. What’s key here is establishing an aftercare routine that addresses the physical and mental well-being of your partner. The goal is to take care of each other so you both come down from the experience happy, connected, and safe.”
There’s also an added layer you want to be aware of, which is the Dom/sub drop. According to Men’s Health, “If you’re practicing BDSM, aftercare is especially vital to avoid Dom/sub drop: the uncomfortable physical, mental, and emotional sensations that sometimes come up in the hours and days after an intense scene. Dom/sub drop may be linked to postcoital dysphoria, which is when someone feels sadness or anxiety after otherwise wonderful and consensual sex. Often this reaction is linked to other stressors in the outside world, such as a history of trauma or existing psychological distress.”
In other words, you want to do a lot of checking in and see how each person is doing after engaging in this kind of play — both right after the encounter (i.e. lots of holding, cuddling, and physical caretaking, like getting someone water or another blanket or food if that’s needed — as well as in the hours and days that follow. Sometimes the next morning, for example, feelings of shame or overwhelm can come up, like, “I can’t believe I let myself do that” or “Is there something wrong with me that I enjoyed that so much/came so hard based on that?”
Remember, too, that these feelings can come up for both the dom and sub. Everyone is allowed to feel all the feels.
7 easy bondage positions
OK! Now to get down to kinky business and some sexy bondage ideas. If you’ve talked through what you’re looking for, gotten your safe words/actions together, and are ready to engage in some good good aftercare, then what? Well, here are 7 easy bondage sex positions to play with:
Spooning bondage
Ever wanted to combine one of the best parts of intimacy (spooning) with the baaaad world of bondage sex positions? Then you’re definitely going to want to try spooning bondage.
In the words of Cosmo, to make this happen “the little spoon's wrists and forearms are bound together in front of them. Big spoon can rock the little spoon's hips as they please—onto a strap-on, vibrator or penis. Spanking optional.”
The restraints for the little spoon can be any kind of handcuffs you like, or anything else that’s comfortable and effective.
Tied to the bed
This one is exactly what it sounds like, but there are a few options here when it comes to how you do it, especially with respect to the way you tie your lover up.
When it comes to bondage restraints, you’ve got a few options. You can get under-the-bed restraints, which basically secure your lover’s legs and hands with wrist restraints and ankle cuffs. You can get kits that are designed for exactly this purpose, which are convenient because they include ankle cuff and wrist cuff that also have quick-release functions. This ends up being especially easy when you’re first getting started, plus a lot of these kinds of cuffs have something soft to protect the skin around those areas (the sub’s wrist and ankle), and they won’t tighten on their own.
You can also use your own items, such as soft scarves or, for example, those ties from that suit you rarely wear anymore. Whatever will secure your sub’s wrists and ankles to those bedposts is sure to please. But it can also be really nice to just get a set that’s made for this.
A fun alternative to being on the bed is being on the floor beside the bed. You can always use fuzzy handcuffs (or silicone handcuffs, which are also quite comfortable and won’t chafe like some handcuffs made of rope can), and secure your lover to one of the bedposts. Then you can go to town on them on that lovely, sensuous carpet you’ve got down, or fake sheepskin rug you purchased for exactly this play event.
Hogtie
If you’re looking for something a little bit more intense and provocative, you can get into rope bondage and a hogtie, which is basically when you tie someone’s body in a way that makes them totally exposed in the front (their arms and legs are secured behind them).
According to Kinkly, “[T]he Hogtie Bondage Position, when tied securely, is a clear home run. Between the limited movement, difficulty gaining momentum to flip over, and shallow breathing, it can be difficult to escape. The extreme position, the flexibility it takes to achieve it and how difficult it is to escape is why this has become such a popular bondage position among kinksters!”
Cowgirl
Are you in a partnership where your lover is usually more in control than you? Say, for example, you’re a vulva-owner and you’re usually the more submissive partner.
It can be super hot to switch power positions for the evening and get your freak on. In this bondage sex position, you restrain your partner to the bed and then ride them like you’ve never ridden them before.
Shibari
Shibari is a form of Japanese bondage that involves rope and, frankly, gorgeous and artistic ways of tying people up. Shibari is also known as Kinbaku, and refers to an ancient practice of rope bondage done in Japan, which utilizes a bondage rope made of hemp. The word Shibari actually means to “to bind” or “to tie” and refers to intricate and beautiful knots and patterns used to restrain and give sensation to the body.
According to one expert, “People practice shibari for a number of reasons; one of the main ones being pleasure. Unlike many other forms of rope play, the knots of shibari are intentionally positioned at the body’s pressure points in order to give participants pleasure. Another reason is the time and attention to detail it takes to perfect the knots can be meditative and recreational for some. It is also a practice that fosters feelings of empowerment, control and submissiveness which can also be appealing for many people.”
Why do people love being tied up? Here are a few reasons, in people’s own words:
- “I get caught up in the fantasy of being helpless… it’s so hot knowing that someone wants me so badly that they’ve tied me up so that I can’t escape, that they HAVE to have me… and I can’t do anything about it.”
- “Everything gets warm and quiet when I’m tied… it makes me feel really warm and fuzzy.”
- “I like having something to struggle against… once I’m tied up I can fight against the bondage rope, but I can’t get far. It’s very primal.”
- “Being tied up gives me freedom from the world.”
Box Tie (aka boxtie)
Speaking of being all tied up, we come to the Box Tie.
“This is a Shibari classic with vast variations,” says Shibari expert Midori. “For a super simple way to start, use one or two long ropes, perhaps 25 to 30 feet. Then tie their wrists together behind their back. Use the remaining rope and wrap that around the arms and body. First below the breasts or pecs, then over it. If you connect the check ropes between the arm and torso, you’ll be able to snug it down tightly.”
You can play in numerous positions with this one. According to Midori, “It's great for full frontal access to nipples and genitals. It's super hot for face-down anal, too.”
Speaking of anal, remember that anal doesn’t always have to mean a cock. This can also include things like butt plugs, anal beads, and even just a finger … there are all kinds of ways to get pleasure in that area, whether you have a prostate or not.
Chair bondage
This one is kind of hot in a very simple way. All you need is a chair and some restraints … and maybe some fun bondage tape to keep the sub in the chair nice and quiet. ;) (Bondage tape is a safe way of keeping someone’s mouth shut. In movies they often use duct tape, which is NOT recommended as it can take off skin. Bondage tape is the way to go!)
But back to chair bondage — basically you can do this however you like, but one idea is to have the person sit in the chair and then tie their legs and arms to the chair legs and arms, so they’re rendered immobile. Even better if you spread those knees nice and wide (comfortably, of course) so you can easily access those yummy bits between their legs.
According to Kinkly, “Chair bondage is a great beginner bondage position because it can be completely comfortable and relatively safe. With wrists tied to the arms of a chair and ankles tied to the chair leg, you get a fairly restrictive position with little or no discomfort. For additional restraint, the bound person's torso can be tied to the back of the chair as well. Like with most bondage, the sense of vulnerability can be increased with the addition of a blindfold and/or a gag.”
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And here’s one last thing: Even if you’re doing the box tie, don’t feel tied down to any one role based on the body you’re in. Or as bondage expert Jess Wilde puts it, “When couples are broaching the subject of bondage, they often feel pressure to label themselves as either the submissive or the dominant partner … A lot of people think, ‘I’ve got to pick one’, or ‘I’m the guy so I have to go on top’. Throughout experimentation, you might well find that you favour one over the other, or quite dramatically hate being a sub. But when we’re talking about absolute beginners and novices, I would say sample both at the beginning.”
In other words, think about this whole thing as getting started in your very own personal bondage school. Like much of the rest of life, it’s good to go in with a spirit of experimentation and exploration. You’ll learn as you go, and expand both your worldview as well, perhaps, the intensity of your orgasms. What have you got to lose?
