MYTH: SEX ENDS AFTER YOU HAVE KIDS. FACT: SEX CHANGES AFTER YOU HAVE KIDS.
There are small, uncontrollable tyrants running around your house now, so maybe you won’t be having loud, spontaneous sex in the kitchen any time soon. But that doesn’t mean your sex life is over or that growing apart from your significant other is inevitable. Put in some extra effort and you’ll find yourself connecting more and becoming closer than ever (and also having good sex).
The Struggle is Real
There are some real obstacles to overcome when you’re trying to physically and emotionally connect with your partner with kids in the house. When they’re babies, it’s mostly about time and energy, of which you have zero. As they get older, it becomes a stealth issue. Oh, and you still have no energy. Sorry.
The first trick is to find a balance between getting sleep and getting laid. Stop laughing. They’re both still possible. You just have to decide to make it a priority. Practice healthy sleep hygiene regularly and take naps during the day if you’re dealing with a newborn’s sleep schedule.
Sleep Hygiene (Do Your Best)
- Set a bedtime and stick to it
- Set a wake-up time and stick to it
- Make your bedroom dark, quiet, and comfortable
- No electronics at bedtime/in the bedroom
- Seriously, no electronics
- Limit caffeine and alcohol after dinner
- Get some exercise during the day
Not Enough Hours in the Day
Most days, you’re not going to be able to get everything done that needs doing. Instead of trying to cram it all in, make a list of what you need to do (including self-care, i.e. sleep and sex) and rank them in order of priority. Try to resist the urge to put your self-care at the bottom of the list.
As your kids get older, you have to get sneakier. It’s good to model a healthy and affectionate relationship for your kids, but they don’t need to see or hear you getting it on. Bolt your headboard to the wall, use the lock on your bedroom door, and get creative about when and where you have sex (See Below).
It’s Time to Have “The Talk”
That’s right. The Sex Talk. But not with your kids, with your partner. Chances are, you both miss the intimacy you used to have and you both want to get it back, but that doesn’t mean you can read each other’s minds. Make sure he or she knows you’re still physically attracted and that you want to work on rekindling the romance. You can’t fix it with a conversation, but you can lessen any insecurity and anxiety that might be making it worse.
The Dreaded Low Sex Drive
Maybe you’re not both missing the horizontal mambo. Depending on how old you are, how tired you are, how long ago you had your babies, and any number of other factors, one or two of you might be experiencing low sex drive. Step one: talk about it. Low sex drive can ruin relationships. Get it out in the open, talk about your needs, and talk about how you can fix it. If necessary, bring your doctor into the conversation.
Pencil It In
Scheduling sounds super sexy, right? The truth is it can be. Making time for each other is a huge affirmation of love and commitment. Plus, the anticipation leading up to a sex appointment can be a huge turn-on if you’re both ready. Let your partner know when you have some free time coming up with a cute message or a special mark on the calendar.
All About Timing
How long should you wait? Can you still be spontaneous? Quick and dirty or nice and slow? And you’re probably still struggling with “sleep or sex??” The best thing you can do is just stop trying to put a timer on it. If you’re talking about it and you both know what the other wants and needs, you can relax and let it happen.
The Great Postpartum Depression
Postpartum is a hard time for everyone, especially mom. Hormones everywhere, sleep deprivation, low energy, and no sex for at least six weeks. This is the part where you have to give it time. Talk about it, be understanding, and do what you can to meet your partner’s needs. If you can’t or don’t want to have actual intercourse for an extended period of time, check out some of these sex toys for beginners that can keep everyone happy in the meantime.
Foreplay Versus Quickies
When you do get back into the swing of things, you’ll find variety is the spice of life. Be spontaneous when the kids are napping, gone, or busy with a quickie in the bathroom or laundry room. Bleach is great for cleaning and disinfecting hard surfaces and lots of interior doors have locks on them. If you have the time, take it slower. Female orgasms can be way better (and more numerous) with some extended foreplay. Bring back the toys from the Depression (See Above) and take your time when you have the opportunity.
Spice It Up
The biggest myth about sex after kids is that it’s boring. It’s only as boring as you make it. If you still want to open the blinds in the hotel and wake the neighbors, you still can. If you’re having any trouble getting the spark back, and spice it up, try some of these fun ideas, and remember to have a sense of humor about it. Sex is always better when you’re both relaxed and comfortable.
Create a Sanctuary
Your home is no longer your own, but your bedroom can still be your bedroom. Having a designated adult space can help stimulate those loving feelings at the right time. Try to limit the kid stuff around your bed and keep the space open, clean, and romantic, with your props nearby. One of the easiest and most natural ways to keep the sex alive after kids is to simply be able to go to bed with your honey at night.
Get a babysitter and have a staycation at home or even at a local hotel. Better yet, drive to a fun city nearby, go out to dinner and drinks, and then take a cab back to the room and do it all night long. Spending time alone together when the kids are away can be much more enjoyable and productive than using that opportunity to socialize or to take care of your to-do list.
Other Kinds of Sex
Broaden your definition of sex. Engage in different types of sex and introduce sex toys, games, and props that can facilitate fun and memorable intimacy. Combining the effort that you used to put in when you were dating with the level of comfort and familiarity you’ve developed as a committed couple can open your eyes to new ways to enjoy each other’s bodies (and your own!).
Top 11: When and Where to Have Sex After Kids
- At 3 am with your bedroom door locked
- In the bathroom while “Frozen” is playing for the 4th time
- On top of the washer while the kids are playing and you’re “doing laundry”
- In the car in the garage at night (practically soundproof)
- At a hotel while the kids are at grandma’s
- Sleeping bag in the basement while “Frozen” is playing for the 5th time
- The butler in the library with the candlestick
- In the shower any time you get an opportunity to shower
- As far as you can make it past the front door on your lunch break
- In your office on your lunch break
- Anywhere you can, any time you can (just don’t get arrested)
All The Sex Toys To Need To Keep Things Spicy!
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So be sure to browse all of our sex toys for couples, and hopefully this article has given you a good place to start - just remember to keep things interesting!