One Retro Romance Novel (And How It Would be Better with Sex Toys)

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 Couple Romantic Sexy Night

 

My aunt used to hide her Harlequins under the bed. Really, she should have known better, because a) under a bed is the first place anyone looking for something will usually look, and b) her room was hide-and-seek central for my cousins and I. Anyway, that’s where I found her trashy romance stash at the tender (and snoopy) age of 11 or so. I only got through a few pages before I was found out, but that’s all it took to get me hooked.


As a pre-teen, the appeal of romances wasn’t the lovey dovey, happily-ever-after stuff, as you can probably imagine. I was after the sexy scenes! I also found the over-dramatic titles hilarious. ‘Love’s Bitter Memories’, a ‘A Torrid Affair’, ‘Passion on the Pacific’ etc. Actually, I still find those titles hilarious!


I’m definitely dating myself here, but my first foray into the world of adult romance happened in the early 90’s. My aunt’s sexy stash was packed with bodice-ripping classics from the 70’s and 80’s. If I (and you, probably!) were to read them here in 2018, it’s safe to say that we’d find them over-the-top, sexist and sometimes downright offensive to women. Most of the time, the plot centres on a damsel in various forms of distress, and a big strong man. The heroine has either been unlucky in love, the victim of some type of unfortunate circumstance or a virgin, while the hero (a mysterious stranger, pirate ship captain, cowboy, wealthy hotel owner etc.) says clever things and carries on with his manly man business. Usually the heroine hates the hero for most of the story, but eventually falls in love and into bed (or barn) with him. Without many exceptions, there’s a big dramatic scene where he overpowers her with a kiss and she melts into his muscled arms. Sometimes, just to keep things interesting, she slaps him and then melts into his muscled arms.


If we go back even earlier to the romance novels of the 50’s (and before), there’s usually zero sexy stuff at all. The big climactic moment in pre-sexual revolution romances is The Marriage Proposal. Scandalous!


Today, there’s lots of floodlight-bright focus on consent (of both partners) and female empowerment in erotic novels, not to mention our day-to-day lives. While we definitely still have some attitude adjusting to do overall, it’s pretty safe to say that the damsel-in-distress plotline of vintage era romance novels read as ridiculously dated nowadays. So, we decided to have some fun with them!

 

Improving Romance Novels with Sex Toys for Women and Men


We’ve hunted down a few retro romance gems (these are definitely not Fifty Shades of Grey, folks!), and we’re going to put our PinkCherry spin on one of them. We’re going to assume two things about the scenarios that follow. First off, we’re going to assume that both characters have given and/or received consent for any sexy business that might go on. Secondly, we’re going to give our heroines and heroes unlimited access to any sex toy from our site. We also made sure to pick a book that stars a leading lady who isn’t in distress to begin with. This heroine has her life perfectly in order, thank you very much, so the romance (and subsequent sex) is just a bonus!


Spellbound by Jayne Castle


Allow us to introduce Lacey Holbrooke. Lacey is a very self-reliant, comfortably successful and slightly cynical interior designer living in Los Angeles. She has boyfriend troubles, though. Lacey has been seeing a guy named Rick. Rick is rich, handsome and just as successful as her, but he’s also extra arrogant and controlling. We don’t find out until the middle of the story, but Lacey once overheard Rick and one of his business buddies running through the details of a complicated international jewel smuggling scene. Instead of breaking it off with him, Lacey wants Rick to end things with her. See, Rick’s MO is to give his soon-to-be ex a diamond as a parting gift. Lacey wants the diamond for peace of mind (and because it’s a diamond, probably). She’s hired a man named Jed Merlin to accompany her to various high class functions around town. Her hope is that Rick will find out that she’s seeing someone new and commence with the break-up/diamond giving.


Plot twist! Jed, who Lacey doesn’t recognize at first, turns out to be a family friend from Lacey’s childhood. When she was 13, she proposed to him. Other plot twist! Lacey finds herself attracted (again) to rough-around-the-edges Jed. Luckily, Jed turns out to be a self-made rich guy himself, complete with a beautiful beach house. He also consents to a fancy L.A. makeover, but can’t be persuaded to get rid of his ratty jeans. Hot. Oh, and Jed’s clearly attracted to Lacey, too.


Just over a quarter of the way through our story (page 55 of 188, to be exact), ‘There was no swooping capture, though, only a tiny, gentle nibbling at the edge of her softened lower lip. She felt the hint of his teeth and then the tip of his tongue as he outlined the shape of her mouth.’ Things progress from there, and Lacey, we’re happy to report ‘had the sensation of being caressed by a magician who had an innate respect for a woman’s power.’ If Lacey wants to assert some of that power, we’d suggest our Knotty Naughty Rope and maybe one of the Pure Plugs to go along with it!


The evil Rick isn’t a fan of Lacey’s break-up tactic, and sends one of his henchmen after our pair one night. They narrowly escape, and things get sexy on the beach. Luckily, Jed has the sandy situation covered. He ‘…pulled reluctantly away, stooped, and quickly spread the thick wool blanket on the sand…without a word, he held out his hand.’ Even though we’re all for creating a barrier between sand and naked bodies, we’d suggest trading the possibly scratchy wool blanket with a velvety Flip Ramp. It’s super soft and comfy, plus, it’ll support Jed and Lacey in some pretty pleasurable positions. They can even pair it with the Vinyl Bed Sheet. It fits up to a California King sized bed, so there’s plenty of room to roll around on. It also cleans easily with some warm soapy water. That sand doesn’t stand a chance!


If the reader has been paying attention (we have!), they may have noticed that neither Jed nor Lacey is opposed to a little nipple play. Proof: ‘He edged aside the material of her nightgown until one budding, eager nipple was exposed to the touch of his tongue. When he caught the hardening tip softly but firmly between his teeth, Lacey moaned passionately.’ In another, Lacey has her hands on Jed’s naked chest ‘…her nails scraping lightly, enticingly across the flat nipples and then tugging gently on a twist of hair.’


We’re going to give Lacey the Satisfyer Partner Multifun to use on Jed here. This unique multipurpose vibrator features two silky silicone stems that just barely meet in the middle. The pure silicone stems can most definitely be used to surround nipples (his or hers), worn as a vibrating cock ring, or used to target just about any sweet spot. If Jed and Lacey don’t want to deal with a vibrating toy, one of them can always pull our PinkCherry Nipple Suckers out of their pocket. These sexy little bulbs use simple suction to arouse and tease nipples, and they’re 100% gender neutral. Jed will approve!


Back to our story. Lacey and Jed, of course, have had more than a few delightful misunderstandings together, but in the end they’ve managed to scare off Rick and his shady business associates. There have been some more sexy rendezvous along the way, and surprise! They’ve fallen in love. Awwwww!


At the end, we find Jed and Lacey reunited after one final, charming romantic mishap. Jed is getting a bit carried away playing tough guy as he undresses Lacey and carries her to the bedroom. ‘You’re here in my arms and you’re going to marry me!’ he declares after the lovemaking. Lacey calls him on his cockiness, like the badass babe she is. ‘You’re a sucker for a dynamic, aggressive woman.’ she teases. ‘I figure tonight was just an aberration. It won’t be long before you’re back in the palm of my hand.’ ‘Atta girl, Lacey!


In our version of the sexy finale, Lacey cuffs Jed into PinkCherry Under the Bed Restraints and spanks him mercilessly with a nice leather crop before making him propose properly. They live happily and very sexily ever after, having both signed consensual pre-nuptial agreements! In the actual finale, Jed moves toward Lacey ‘closing the distance between their bodies in a wave of passion and love that would last a lifetime.’ Of course.


Make up your own sexy story and add your own personal flavor with the use of Pinkcherry sex toys – have fun!


The Book: Castle, J. (1982), Spellbound. New York, NY. Dell Publishing Co.

Melanie Pollock is a Hamilton, Ontario based writer, photographer, trainee beekeeper and long-time PinkCherry product specialist. On an average day, you’ll find her wrestling socks away from her chocolate lab, growing backyard vegetables, and creating weird Spotify playlists.