So you’re interested in getting down and dirty, huh? We see you, you beautiful kinky person, you. The main thing to know is that whoever you are and wherever you come from, the wonderful world of BDSM is here for you, bondage play and all!
“At its core, BDSM — which stands for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism — is about fulfilling one’s more extreme fantasies,” says Healthline. “It’s about assuming roles that relieve you of your daily struggles and bring you into an entirely different universe.”
In other words, it’s all kinds of awesome. But they didn’t teach you about it in sex ed. So let’s get into it.
What exactly is a BDSM play scene?
According to experts the definition of a BDSM scene is as follows:
“A scene is a BDSM activity or encounter involving one or more people; it may or may not involve sexual activity. A scene can take place in private or in a club where it can be viewed by an audience. There is an etiquette at most clubs and play parties that regulate how the onlookers may interact with the people in the scene.
In some cases, a scene may also be referred to as a play. A scene may also be referred to as a session to set a more professional context and tone, or a pro session to indicate a specific professional transaction.”
So basically a BDSM scene is an interaction between two or more people, which may or may not include some kind of sexual interaction. It can also be called a play session, though this ain’t your child’s playpen that’s the setting. Speaking of where to play, it’s good to keep in mind that you can set up a BDSM scene at home, or you can also explore a scene at a local BDSM dungeon.
What do you need for a BDSM play scene?
Let’s say you’ve got your play partner all ready to go, and you’re wondering how exactly to get started. You know you need a safeword, but what other kinds of BDSM elements do you need to have prepped before you start? How do you play with sensory deprivation if you never have before? What if you want to play with both rope and adult sex toys?
The most important thing you need for a BDSM scene is consent. If there are two of you taking part in the scene, you need to decide beforehand what the limits of the scene are, and what your safe word or action is. For example, if you’re a sub interested in wearing a ball gag such that you can’t actually speak, you’ll need some kind of motion or action to be able to say, “slow down,” or “stop.” It’s important to note, as well, that a sub always has their rights reserved when it comes to the ability to change their mind or say no. Consent may be revoked at any time.
If you can use words (i.e. you’re not going to be gagged), a lot of BDSM practitioners teach participants to use the traffic signal elements of “green light,” “yellow light” and “red light” as safe words. Saying green means go; yellow means slow down — there’s a limit approaching, or something needs to be adjusted here; and red means stop. A safe action could be something like holding a squeaky sex toy in your hands if you’re gagged; that way you can use one squeak for green, two squeaks for yellow, or three for red.
This is also a good time to note that when it comes to both consent and safe words, you want to pay attention to both a sub’s words as well as their body language. If they ever seem uncomfortable or ill at ease, you should pause and check in. You never want to do anything that isn’t safe or could cause harm.
How do you prep?
Prepare a BDSM checklist or worksheet
First you’re going to want to figure out what you want to do. A BDSM checklist or kink negotiation worksheet can help here. The checklist can help the two of you (or more, depending) figure out what you’re into, what you’re available for, and how much you want to do what.
It can also be extremely valuable to take a workshop or two from your local BDSM community. The popular kink social network FetLife can also hook you up with teachers and BDSM trainers near you (or online). Sometimes you can also find play partners this way.
Part of the reason you want to use a checklist or have some other way of establishing what’s available and what isn’t is that it helps to know what a sub is into and what they’re not, before a scene commences. For many subs, part of the pleasure of a BDSM scene is not necessarily knowing exactly what’s going to happen before it does. Being blindfolded and told to do things can be hot, and if different kinds of sex toys will going to be used on you, that can be super fun. But it’s critical to know before a scene starts what’s on the table and what’s not.
Establish safe words
Once you know what’s on the menu, then you’re going to want to establish safe words or actions that will help you during the scene itself. We’ve gone over this a bit already, and there’s plenty more out there to help you with safe words or actions.
Prepare your toys
If you’re going to be playing with toys, before the scene you’ll want to make sure they’re out and ready to go. This includes making sure your blindfold is washed and ready to go, or your ball gag, nipple clamps, collar, vibrators, dildos, or anal toys. The same goes for lube — always have lots of lube on hand if things are gonna get sexual! And barriers like condoms if you’re going to be doing the penetration thing.
Engage in aftercare
Finally, you’ll want to know when and how you’re going to engage in aftercare. According to sexual health writer Natasha Weiss, “Aftercare is a broad term for how you and your partner support each other and check-in after you’ve had sex. Sex can ramp us up and leave us with all sorts of emotions. We may feel energized, or drained – or both.”
Let’s say you want to do a scene play where you’re a hotel maid, and you happen upon a randy hotel guest who wants to “take advantage of you.” In this scene, you’ve agreed that while you don’t want to be penetrated by a human schlong, your dom is free to use sex toys. You’ve listed your favorites as wand or bullet vibrators and nipple clamps or suckers. You’ve also agreed that you’d be into the idea of being tied up with rope, as long as it’s comfortable to the skin (i.e. won’t chafe).
So during the scene, your dom partner is thrilled to tie your arms behind your back, spread your legs spread apart, tie them with some rope, and then bare your breasts and get some vibrating nipple suckers on there. Now that you’re entirely at their mercy, they enjoy themselves immensely by holding a wand vibrator on you for a fun forced orgasm or train you with orgasm control. Who knows? There’s no limit to the types of BDSM scenes you can come up with.
Get ready to enter your subspace
The point is that whether you’re interested in playing with dominance or trying on the part of the submissive partner, BDSM can bring a whole lot of pleasure along with some amount of pain (whether physical or emotional/psychological). Submissives also consistently report entering what’s called subspace, which can be a form of ecstasy all on its own.
What’s subspace? According to Healthline, “Subspace refers to the trancelike state some submissives experience during BDSM play. While subspace can feel different for different people, many describe it as feeling ‘light,’ ‘floaty,’ or ‘like mush.’
Does that mean ‘subspace’ is just a fancy way to refer to dissociation? No! But there are some similarities. Both are out-of-body experiences that involve feeling disconnected from reality.
The key difference is that most submissives claim subspace as a happy or euphoric rush, whereas dissociation can be a detachment from your whole being — including your ability to feel.”
Now let’s say you go through this whole scene and you were incredibly turned on. You came hard. You entered subspace. But after the fact, you’re not quite sure how to feel. What does it say about you that you like to be dominated, or to dominate someone else? Are you still a feminist if you enjoyed it?
First of all, yes, you are. You get to have any kind of sexual experience you want and only you get to decide how you feel about it. And second, here’s where aftercare comes in. According to Weiss, after a BDSM scene — or really, any kind of sexual experience — “[s]ome people feel exposed and vulnerable, or like their nervous system is ramped up.”
So the whole idea behind aftercare is that it “gives you and your partner a chance to regulate, and deepen your relationship. Sexual aftercare should be thought of as part of your sexual experience, much like foreplay … The goal of aftercare is for all parties involved to feel safe and seen, while leaving space to discuss anything that came up during sex.”
Step-by-step instructions for a BDSM play scene
1. Decide together what you’re doing, and what’s on the table
This may involve negotiation. For example, as a submissive partner, you might want to wear a BDSM collar and have your dom lead you around the dungeon while you take in your surroundings. Or perhaps you could say, perhaps as a dom you might want to lead your sub around while that person wears their BDSM collar like a good sub. Either way, you want to know what’s acceptable/desired, and what’s not.
Some of this part will depend a bit on whether you’re doing the scene at a dungeon or private play party, or in the privacy of your own home. For example, some subs will want others to be able to say things to them or do things to them during a scene besides their dom. Others will want only their dom to work with them.
2. Determine hard limits and safe words/actions
BDSM practitioners agree that while you always want to have safety precautions in place before a scene, if you’re engaging in an intense scene, you want to be extra careful (i.e. rape play, intense sensation play like wax play, or knife play).
3.Do the damn thing
Git it.
4. Aftercare!
A thing to know about aftercare is that it can be particularly critical after a BDSM scene. Why? Because of something called “drop.” According to BDSMWiki, “Drop (sometimes called sub drop, dom drop, and "The Mondays") is an experience with similar characteristics of depression that occurs after an intense SM scene. It is caused by adrenaline and endorphin crashes after the adrenaline and endorphin spikes that may occur during a scene.”
What are some popular BDSM play scenes?
1. Bondage scene
Many BDSM scene ideas incorporate some form of bondage, though not all. An example of a BDSM scene you might see at a dungeon, for example, could involve a dom strapping her sub to a St. Andrew’s cross for some scene play.
2. Impact play
Ever wanted to be spanked or whipped? You’re not the only one! Feeling a bit of a thud or sting can be a big turn-on, and there are lots of scenes that involve one person getting hit in a way that really makes them hot. A good rule of thumb here is to practice with something like a riding crop or paddle, and doing a scale of 1-10. You can start with a 1, and work up to whatever the sub wants — if they say they want a 4, try scene idea out. See what’s working (for you and for them) and enjoy yourselves.
3. Role play
In a well-established BDSM relationship, dominant partner is intimately connected to their submissives. This may mean that they’re sometimes able to push the limits of the relationship more than that of people who are just starting out. For example, if you’re a couple who has been together for a long time but you’ve never engaged in a BDSM play scene, you’re going to want to take it slow and pace yourself.
But if you know one another well, and you’re very connected, you can get even more involved. You can even agree to things like “kidnappings,” where a sub may not know from where or when they’ll be abducted. These kinds of role play scenarios can get quite elaborate.
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Want more? Here’s a guide to planning a BDSM Scene. The great thing about this whole scene (ha) is that even just communicating with a partner or other fellow kinkster can be both empowering and transformational. There’s something about being clear about what you really want and what really turns you on that does something.
Whether you want to try some under-the-bed restraints for the first time while being blindfolded and not told what will happen; or hogtied and getting some good nipple play action, you’ll know both yourself and whoever you’re playing with better after engaging in this kind of healthy sexy time action. Knowing who you are and what you love is an expression of your humanity, so get out there and express yourself!
