Almost everyone comes to a point in their relationship when they want to buy a sex toy. Perhaps you just want to try it during foreplay. Or you’re curious about using it with your lover. Maybe you saw a movie with a couple using a vibrator and it seemed exciting and fun. Or you might have heard a couple of women discussing cock rings and while you were enthralled, you weren’t sure what cock rings really do.
Do any of these situations describe you?
Sex Toys are Normal
Relax! Wanting to try sex toys is completely normal. Virtually every relationship gets to a point when someone wants to give sex toys a try, preferably with their partner. The only snag is that they aren’t sure how to introduce sex toys into their relationship.
Have you had any of these thoughts?
- I’m not sure my wife will like sex toys.
- I don’t want to hurt my spouse’s feelings by wanting to try sex toys.
- My husband has told me he doesn’t like vibration.
- I’m not sure what sex toy to start with.
Know that you’re not alone. Many people have these same considerations and concerns. I’m here to help you learn how to easily introduce sex toys into your relationship.
There are multiple ways to introduce this topic. In my experience, some work better than others. So allow me to help you navigate how to successfully make this intimate introduction. If you don’t care about techniques or lessons, please feel free to scroll to the bottom of this article to find my #1 suggestion.
Introduction Technique #1 - Make it an Idea
In order to make the introduction of sex toys as casual as possible, I’ll often suggest making it seem like a random idea that just popped into your head.
Making it a simple idea makes it non-threatening and something to consider. This can make it seem like an interesting topic to discuss and not some type of demand.
Keep the tone of your voice soft and casual. As an example, phrase your idea as if you’re discussing flavors of ice cream.
“You know, I’d like to try a vibrator.”
Once you’ve stated your idea, sit back and see what type of response you receive. You’ll never know if your partner will like sex toys unless you talk about it together. Often this type of a statement starts a great conversation about what both of you are interested in experimenting with. Just remember to keep the tone of the conversation light and fun.
According to Medical News Today, only 6% of women experience an orgasm during intercourse. Sharing this with your partner provides a good reason to experiment with vibration and clitoral stimulation.
According to Douglas Van Praet, author of Unconscious Branding, the best way to have someone else believe in your idea is to make them believe it was their own idea all along. He advocates planting seeds into a person’s head to engage their subconscious to lead them to the conclusion you wish them to have.
This means rephrasing your “idea” statement.
“I love that you want to try new things! Great idea! We’re on the same page since I was just thinking we could try a couple’s toy during sex.”
Yes, this technique may take longer since you have to wait for the topic of trying something new to interject this into your conversation, but it’s easier to convince someone when they think it’s their idea.
Introduction Technique #2 - Make it a Surprise
While surprising your partner with a gift certificate or sex toy may be intimidating, this technique will get the conversation going. Even if your lover thinks a sex toy is a bad idea, it provides an opportunity to have a discussion about sex toys in general. Discuss what toys you both would be willing to try.
I find that my patients who are in a relationship are sometimes afraid that their partner will feel as though they’re being replaced by a toy or that there’s something wrong with their lovemaking. Be sure and explain to your partner that this isn’t the case.
Share that sex toys are meant to be fun and to bring playfulness, and new pleasures, into a relationship. Make sure you listen to your partner’s concerns and share your reasons for wanting to have a bit more experimentation in your intimacy.
You could enlist a friend to help you with this technique by asking if you could say that a gift certificate or toy was a surprise present from them. Just like nail polish colors and brands of purses and golf clubs, people do share their good experiences with their friends. It’s quite feasible to have a friend that had a great experience with a couple’s toy and wants others to have the same happiness as well. This leads me into my next recommended technique.
Introduction Technique #3 - Make it a Recommendation
This technique works with restaurants, cars, and vacation spots, so why not try it for sex toys as well?
“____(Insert friend’s name here)____ swears that this sex toy gave them the best sex ever!”
People are more apt to try something if it was recommended by word of mouth. Nielsen reports 92% of consumers believe suggestions from friends and family more than advertising.
Chances are, if one of your friends has recommended an amazing sex toy to you, you’ll be more willing to give it a try—and many times this is the same for your spouse.
Also keep in mind that not everyone likes all types of stimulation. While vibration is pleasing for some people, it may be too intense for others. Know that there is suction, pulsation, electro-stimulation and other sensations that can be explored.
Introduction Technique #4 – Focus on what your Partner will Gain
Research has found that people are more willing to agree to something if you frame your request in a manner that highlights what benefit they’ll receive.
Appeal to your partner’s desires and choose a sex toy that they’ll enjoy just as much as you will.
Introduction Technique #5 – Physical Touch may Help
Touch can be a strong method when it comes to emotions. Focused touch has been proven to lower stress and blood pressure, and in sex therapy, using touch is one of the most successful ways to bring two people back together.
By holding your partner’s hand as you discuss introducing sex toys into your sex play, you may have a better chance of getting your partner to agree with your request.
My #1 Suggestion: Introduction Technique #6 – Make it a Celebration!
Rather than merely introduce a sex toy to your partner, make it a date night adventure! This can be an opportunity for an intimate bonding experience.
Make a date to go online and check out the many sex toy options available. Most sites, like PinkCherry, will have toys categorized and can make it easy to find couple-recommended sex toys. I suggest relaxing in the privacy of your own home and taking your time together to check out the many possibilities available online. By combining “couple’s toy” with “beginner toys” you’ll be able to narrow your search and together with your partner decide upon the perfect toy that’s right for both of you.
You can always get a personalized toy recommendation from me by visiting www.pinkcherry.ca/blogs/ask-dr-sunny. I realize it can be tough for beginners to choose sex toys, so I’m always here to help.
I have to share that there’s nothing like the incredible feeling of anticipation when waiting for your handpicked sex toys to arrive! It’s as if you know that you’ll both be enjoying an amazing evening of sex in the very near future—and this is almost like foreplay for you and your partner.
When your discreet package arrives, don’t open it immediately! I recommend setting a date to open the box together. Allow the sexual anticipation to build. Make a complete date night around opening the package and exploring the pleasure that your new sex toy will bring.
There’s no time like the Present!
Don’t put off your pleasure one more day. Arm yourself with reasons why you feel sex toys will be good for your relationship and why your partner will enjoy them. Don’t force the conversation—keep it encouraging and playful.
Be open to discussions and the reasons your partner may be timid with this topic. Be thoughtful with your communication. Make it a fun adventure that you want to experience together.
With all the different sex toys that are available, there’s no doubt that you’ll find the perfect one for your relationship and be inspired to keep experimenting with pleasure products in your future.
Do your sex toys make your life better? Is there a sex toy introduction technique that works for you? Please send me your questions and comments. I’m always here to help you!
Dr. Sunny does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website is not intended as a substitute for medical advice, and you should not take any action before consulting with a healthcare professional.