Ever hit a sexual dry spell in a long-term relationship? It can feel sad when you've had great sex in the past and can't seem to get back there. Especially if you have kids or are in stressful jobs, sometimes simple things like getting a good night's sleep trump the idea of a 50 Shades of Grey-type encounter before bed.
Fortunately, there are many ways to have better sex, and the bonus is that almost all of them start with healthy, open communication and a little bit of emotional risk-taking. Why is this great? Because it tends to enhance both your sexual experience and overall connection as a couple.
Here are 10 new things to try out in your sex life (that can also help your mental health):
1. Try new sex positions
Experimenting with positions is an easy win and can be super fun. For example, if you've never tried positions that emphasize and facilitate close eye contact, give those a go. Breathing in sync with one another is another way to build intimacy differently.
If you're into making a game of it, get a book with many new positions and agree as a pair to try out a new one every Friday night (or whenever). You can rate each position afterward based on how much you liked it and then see which ones "win." A simple sexy scale system from 1-10 works well for this.
The kama sutra might be the first thing that comes to mind when you're seeking our new sex positions. Still, plenty of books and vlogs have more specific positions to try -- such as what to do if one of you is on the smaller side, penis-wise, or if a vagina-owner isn't into deep penetration.
Trying out new positions, even if they don't "work out" (feel good for you and your partner), can also be a great way to bond. You'll never forget your first time together in the pretzel!
2. Add sex toys to the mix
Sex toys make up a huge category, we know. And while you may already be familiar with things like dildos and vibrators and strap-ons, there's a whole world of other choices. For example:
Nipple suckers: Do you or your partner enjoy nipple play but feel slightly intimidated by the idea of nipple clamps? Enter nipple suckers! These puppies can provide suction while other things are happening, which can be super pleasurable.
Anal beads: There's a reason a lot of people love these. They can feel good going in and sometimes even better coming out. If you've wanted to try anal play without necessarily "going all the way," this could be one to try.
Prostate massagers: If you've got a prostate and have never made the leap into prostate orgasms … you're gonna wanna do that. It can be a fun and naughty thing to explore together, as a couple, if one or both of you has one.
Vibrating cock rings: Again, if you or both of you rock a cock, this one can be scintillating. If you do the P-in-the-V thing, for example, and you're the vagina owner, it's wild to ride him while he's got one of these on. It's stimulation inside with his penis and clitoral stimulation from the vibrating ring.
A sex wedge: A sex wedge can be a fun accouterment to add to your repertoire. It gives you access to all kinds of angles you may never have played with, which can be adventurous and exciting.
3. Try sensation play
According to sexpert Jamie LeClaire, "Most of the way we interact with and interpret the world is through our senses—touch, smell, sound, taste, and sight—and they play a huge role in the way we experience pleasure. And yet so many people don't take advantage of all their senses during their sexual experiences. Sensation play is just that: the act of stimulating your senses in different ways to heighten or experiment with different types of pleasure."
An example is ice cubes on nipples (or other body areas). There are both warming and cooling lubes, which can be super-fun depending on how cool or warm the room is (contrast is excellent).
Another thing that can be super cool is wax play. Dripping hot wax onto different parts of your partner's body (or vice versa) is sensual in and of itself, and scraping it off again can also be way more pleasurable than you might think. Just be careful about what kind of wax you use -- there are candles and wax kits made just for this that you may want to stick to.
4. Test out some new lubes
"We know, we know: Lube isn't exactly the sexiest-seeming product on the market, starting with its name," said Zach Zane and Garrett Munce of Men's Health. "But if you find a way to work it into the moment—think: using it for an erotic massage—the experience becomes a whole lot better. 'It's not about making the lube itself sexy,' sex therapist Ian Kerner, Ph.D., says … 'It's about just incorporating it into how you are sexually appreciating and getting turned on by your partner.'"
If you've only ever tried water-based lube, try out a silicone one -- or even a hybrid. There are even CBD lubes that can be fun to play with. You'd be surprised by how much different both foreplay, like manual stimulation and sexual intercourse, can feel with a new lube. And don't forget about edible lube!
5. Consider roleplaying
This one can be edgy and take you out of your comfort zone - in a good way. When you role play, you can access different aspects of your personality. It can be especially scintillating to do something out in the world -- for example, one of you dresses up way more provocatively than usual, and the other "picks them up" at a hotel bar. Building sexual tension by being "witnessed" by others can be hot.
Then you get a room and have more orgasms than ever. ;) Seriously, though, arousal is more than physicality; it's a mental game, and pushing your edge can be the best foreplay.
6. Explore new kinks
Similarly, having open conversations about sexual kinks is critical in healthy relationships because it's a part of who you are as a human being.
According to the Center for Shared Insight, "When you hear the word 'kinks' you may automatically consider the more extreme definition that includes sexual behaviors such as BDSM. However, 'kinks' refer to any sexual activity that falls outside of the types of sex that society traditionally considers acceptable. Kinks are healthy, normal, and have a continuum that can even include simply the way you liked to be kissed, touched, and more. Kinks are essentially what turn you on and sexually energize you."
For example, if one of you has always wanted to try bondage or BDSM, that will be good to discuss. Remember that you can always honor your partner's desires and preferences even if you're not available to meet them.
Related stories: One of you wants to try out anal, and the other isn't sure. In a healthy relationship, you both feel safe to share, and you also both feel safe saying "no" without fear of backlash. And who knows? Maybe there are creative ways you can explore things like anal play, even if you're not available for full-on P-in-the-A fun. Sexual intercourse is only one way to connect sexually.
7. Take a sex class or workshop together
There are tons of options here, including weekend or full-week retreats. Sexperts like Jaiya even offer free or low-cost workshops.
Doing different things differently can be surprisingly erotic, and learning something new together automatically boosts your dopamine levels, leading to -- you guessed it -- hotter sex.
8. Make it tasty
Ever wanted to lick chocolate sauce off of a partner's body? Or whipped cream or a bit of honey? Or perhaps you were turned on by that scene in the Sex & the City movie where Samantha put sushi all over her naked body.
Food play can be super erotic and also just really fun. Bringing that spirit of creativity and joy into the bedroom is always a win!
9. The sex debrief
Debriefing isn't a sexual act, but it can be comforting and exciting to do a sex debrief together. It's simply when both of you share something you enjoyed about your most recent encounter and one thing you may have wanted more of.
For example, if one of you likes sex at bedtime and the other shares that morning sex is something they'd like to do more of, that's good to know!
Another hot thing to do in a debrief is to share sexual fantasies. It's helpful to remember that you want to create a safe space -- so a good rule of thumb is to NOT judge your partner for whatever their fantasies are. Sexual fantasies are not always things we'd do in real life. But sharing them can be incredibly bonding.
Another great question to pose during a sex debrief is, "What are a few sexual edges you'd like to play with?" You can answer with a few of your own and listen closely to your partner's. For example, a woman might say she has always wanted to striptease down to sexy lingerie but never quite worked up the courage. Then you, as a partner, could provide some reassurance, which can pave the way for some hot dancing.
Or perhaps a woman has some desires around oral sex -- "I've always wanted to say, 'Sit on my face' and really ride your tongue … but I've been too scared to be so assertive.'" And maybe you say, "Are you kidding? I'd love to experience that."
10. Flip your roles
If one of you is often the more dominant one, try switching things up. You can blindfold your partner and tie them up, for example. You might be surprised by how empowering and how much pleasure you derive from taking on a more submissive role, or vice versa. Fuzzy handcuffs are a thing for a reason, people.
Seriously, though, this also includes who initiates sex. If one of you is usually the starter motor, try switching that up. You'll probably notice that a lot comes up for you (especially if you're the one who initiates if you're not used to it). That's great! That's part of the whole equation. Taking risks and trying new things stimulates the release of all kinds of brain chemicals that tend to enhance sex. It's part of why make-up sex feels so good -- because there's a lot of tension built up in the system before it happens.
Same deal for switching roles up. You may feel more vulnerable or less in control; it may be edgy and even intimidating. But if your partner is willing to meet you and encourage you and be there with you through the experience, you'll likely find it even more deeply fulfilling than you were expecting.
---
A couple is a mini-team. A great perspective when trying new things is being on the same team and exploring. Think of yourselves as two explorers on an adventure together. Some things may not work out; others will be super awesome.
Whether you're trying out a new sex toy, doing a role play that pushes your boundaries, or getting real during a sex debrief and saying things you never thought you'd share, you're in it together. And that's a true joy.
---
Sources
Jamie J. LeClaire, "9 Sensation Play Products You Should Try, According to Sex Educators", SELF. Published September 30, 2020. Accessed Aug 4, 2023. https://www.self.com/story/sensation-play-toys
Zach Zane & Garrett Munce, "The 18 Best Lubes for Sex, Tested by Sex and Grooming Experts", Men's Health. BY ZACHARY ZANE AND Published May 23, 2023. Accessed Aug 4, 2023. https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/g43975901/best-lube-for-sex/
Kristen Hick, Psy.D., "HOW TO DISCUSS YOUR KINKS WITH YOUR PARTNER", Center for Shared Insight. Published January 28, 2020. Accessed Aug 4, 2023. https://www.centerforsharedinsight.com/blog/discuss-kinks-partner/20665#:~:text=Explain%20this%20in%20a%20positive,how%20it%20makes%20you%20feel
