If you’ve ever wondered, “What is bondage exactly, and how do I get started?” you’re not alone. There are lots of different types of bondage and lots of easy ways to get into it. Plus, it’s super popular!
One article in the Journal of Sexual Health and Medicine found that a whopping 46.8% of the population sampled (this study was out of Belgium), had engaged in a BDSM activity. That’s just under half of everyone surveyed! Plus another 26% of respondents reported being interested in BDSM, and 7.6% of participants classified themselves as “BDSM practitioners.”
What is bondage?
First a quick note on turn-ons, bondage, and sex. According to sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman, author of Sex Without Stress, and the host of the Better Sex podcast, “What turns you on? If you're not sure, you're not alone: Many people don't actually know what their sexual turn-ons are. When I work with couples in therapy, I hear about how people struggle to figure out what they like and what they want, as well as the challenges they have communicating these things to their partner.”
Basically, a lot of times we think we know what turns us on, but actually we may have a wider range than we think. Physical sensation, for example, is only one element of sexual pleasure. Power dynamics that come into play with BDSM and kink play can be a massive source of heat in your sex life.
And orgasm isn’t just a physical thing; some people can actually have an orgasm without even being touched. If you’re thinking, wait, what!?, let us assure you: Yes, that’s a real thing — Lady Gaga even does it! Never underestimate the power of different kinds of stimulation, especially when it comes to incorporating things like fun bondage ideas. There’s a way that you and your partner can learn about both yourselves and one another in a deeply intimate way.
Speaking of which, if you’ve ever struggled with things like erectile dysfunction, you may find that this type of play can help with your sexual health. The more you get to know yourself and your turn-ons — and the more different kinds of play gets you out of your head — the better.
The way Zimmerman puts it, “There are no rules when it comes to turn-ons, and there are no rights or wrongs when it comes to sexual excitement. Each person's eroticism is completely unique, like a fingerprint.” So you can look at this whole thing as a way of getting to know your own fingerprint, and that of your partner. You really want to be non-judgmental, too, because nobody wants to feel judged when they’re sharing this super intimate part of their truth.
What does bondage include?
Bondage is any scenario in which a person is being restrained. This includes self-bondage, where you actually restrain yourself. Didn’t know that was a thing? Well, it is — and it can actually, ironically, be super liberating.
But the bondage you’re more likely familiar with involves one person putting someone else in some kind of restraint, like sexy handcuffs. But bondage can include a lot more than just handcuffs or rope. For example, it counts as fun sexy bondage to just put a blindfold on a partner. Then you can do all sorts of fun, naughty things, like tell them you’re going to put a cock ring on, but then surprise! It’s time to learn how to use a vibrating cock ring.
The point is, there are lots of ways to play with bondage. And according to Carol Queen, PhD, staff sexologist at Good Vibrations and author of the book The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone, before you start any kind of BDSM play (which bondage counts as), you should have some real talk with your partner. (If you’re engaging in self-bondage, then there are other safety protocols that you’re going to want to make sure you follow.)
Since the world of BDSM vast and people are coming in with all kinds of different backgrounds, it’s best to begin by sharing a little about what you’re interested in with one another — or what you might be interested in. You don’t want to get your wires crossed in this arena for a few different reasons, especially since this is supposed to feel good (edgy, but good!) for all involved.
For example, according to Queen, "if one person is thinking of cushy bondage gear, and dripping candle wax and a blindfold, and the other one is thinking whips and chains and painting, [you] may talk past each other," Queen says.
Instead of waiting til you’re already getting hot and heavy, she recommends talking about this kind of thing beforehand. “It's maybe better to do it outside of that context, like, 'Hey, I was wanting to talk to you about something kind of frisky. Do you have some time to hang out with me and have this conversation with me at dinner? Or do you want to have a glass of wine?'” Queen adds. “Not too much wine when you have these conversations, though, because you want to remember what your focus is.”
And again, Zimmerman stresses the non-physical parts of the whole thing: “The mental aspects of pleasure hold a lot of power. It's been said the mind is the biggest sex organ because our mind is where our eroticism lives. While some of what we find erotic is specific sexual acts or behaviours, much of it is more mental or energetic than that. It's the meaning we make of what's happening, and it's the enjoyment of the particular dynamics of a sexual situation or the interactions with our partner.”
Types of bondage
There are lots of different types of bondage, including:
Sensory deprivation bondage
This type of bondage includes things like blindfolds, with which you’re likely familiar. Basically the advantage here is that when you take away one sense, the others are heightened. So as soon as someone can’t see, they’re more likely to be listening closely, feeling more through their sense of physicality, and even more sensitive to scent.
Sensory deprivation can involve more than just blindfolds, too. It’s essentially when you deprive someone of seeing, hearing, talking, or even smelling sometimes. As mentioned, the most common and known way of doing this is with blindfolds, which some bondage experts say is the lowest level of this type of bondage.
Other interesting things in this arena involve hoods, which deprive several sensations at once. Another one is ball gags, which take away the ability to speak, and are a whole thing in and of themselves. Again, wearing one can be strangely liberating and highly erotic.
Chastity bondage
The next type of bondage involves controlling someone else’s ability to have sex. This can be super hot for people who want to feel controlled by their partner, or for those who love controlling and/or teasing a sub (submissive partner).
This kind of bondage can involve chastity belts, cock cages, bondage tape, or even things like vacuum beds (that’s an advanced level thing that involves bondage of the whole body and having full control of someone).
Some people really get off on being locked into positions like a cock cage where having an erect penis “isn’t allowed” until the dom (dominant partner) decides it’s OK. It can be extremely erotic to give someone else the power to assert themselves over you … especially when there’s high-quality aftercare provided.
Torture bondage
So this term can sound kind of intense, but really the connection between pain and pleasure is a well-known one. And when we’re talking about pain it doesn’t mean overwhelming, horrible pain. Basically bondage isn’t really about pain at all, but this type of bondage does make a li’l bit of “hurt so good” the primary focus. It can also be used as a way to “punish” a submissive if they’ve been oh-so-bad.
There are all kinds of torture bondage (or maybe you prefer the term “pain bondage”), including the use of nipple clamps or perhaps some intensity on the scrotum — pinching, for example; or using a ball ring or anal sex toys like anal beads in a specific way.
Again, this is really only for folks who actually like feeling some physical discomfort. You’d be surprised by how many people fall into this category though, so it’s definitely worth exploring.
And remember that when you’re looking for a sex toy like a butt plug or vibrator or even fetish wear, you want to go in with an exploratory, experimental mindset. For example, when you’re hunting for the best vibrating cock ring, you might need to try a few different cock ring sizes … and if you’re going for discomfort, you don’t want to leave something uncomfortable on for too long because you don’t want to harm those precious bits.
Head bondage
Like the other categories, there are lots of variations here, including gags, collars, and other ways of controlling someone’s head. You can also combine this kind of thing with what’s called hair bondage to up the ante, generating even more psychic pressure and sense of domination of the sub.
Because the head houses the brain and is precious in a number of ways, this kind of bondage can be even more intense than the others, so if you’re just starting out, be aware of that and start slow. If you’re taking away someone’s ability to speak, you’ll also need a different way of “doing” safe words — for example, they can hold a squeak toy in their hand so they can squeak three times to say “stop” or twice to say “this is OK but I’m nearing my edge.” These can be known as “safe actions.”
Humiliation bondage
This is another one that can be intense but also super hot. One particularly popular example of this is BDSM dungeons that have what’s called an St. Andrews Cross (also known as an “X Cross”). This allows a dom to tie or otherwise restrain someone’s arms and legs, putting them into an X shape as they’re standing up. More experienced folks sometimes will even want to go upside down in that position.
What people love about it is that it forces the subject to display their genitalia, allowing access with no restrictions. This makes it easy to provide space for those with sexual humiliation fetishes.
Rope bondage
This includes shibari and breast bondage with rope, as well as any number of artful rope ties. Rope bondage is an entire sub-category of bondage with entire communities dedicated to it.
Why do people like bondage?
At this point you might be thinking, “Why are people into bondage?” What’s the advantage? It’s super popular — but what’s it actually like, and why do people like it?
Different people have different things they like about BDSM. For example:
- “I try very hard to have a lot of control in my life and there is something about being submissive in the bedroom that is foreign and exciting, in a way. I wouldn't live the lifestyle that goes with it, but just the intimate part of it can really be fun.”
- “The most exciting perk of enjoying BDSM is the role playing. When done safely, the bondage and roles become a total escape from reality. For gays & lesbians, BDSM tends to be an extension of reality, since in many cases our regular sex lives have surprising parallels to bondage, particularly the dominance and submission.”
- “I am most often acting as a receiver in a BDSM exchange (or BDSM scene), and being overpowered, restrained, struck or yelled [at] takes me out of myself and allows me to be so overcome with sensory stimulation that I am utterly lost in the moment. To experience such complete surrender is disorienting and emotional and I come out of it feeling spiritually cleansed. When such an exchange or BDSM scene is done for the purpose of orgasm and not just play, the orgasms are extremely intense and the level of intimacy felt with my partner is unparalleled in those moments.”
7 Fun Bondage ideas
Ready to get started!? If you’ve got your safe word/actions ready, and you’re into the idea of gettin’ down and dirty in the world of bondage, here are a few ideas to get you started:
Blindfold your partner
Blindfolded sensation play can be super erotic and is also a very easy way to get started. All you need is either an official blindfold or just a tie (like one that goes with a suit) or scarf. A great way to make this whole thing even hotter is to involve different sensations while the person is blindfolded.
What does that mean, exactly? Basically, you introduce different kinds of sensations with a variety of objects. So for example, maybe you grab some ice and tease a nipple or two. Or perhaps you have a long feather that you drag over different parts of their body. Or you might spank the person a little bit or pinch them if you already know they like that. You could whisper something erotic in their ear at the same time something else is happening … the list of possibilities is endless.
The whole point of this kind of erotic BDSM play is for the seeing person (the non-blindfolded one) to control everything that’s happening and for the one who’s blindfolded to just let go and surrender control. And again, the blindfolded person, since they won’t be able to see what's going, will experience every physical feeling even more intensely than they normally would.
Blindfold your partner and add a new sex toy into the mix
Tell your lover you’ve gotten a new toy but don’t tell them what it is. This is a veritable fun factory of delight, trust us. Then blindfold them and tease them a bit. Is it going to one of the penis rings the two of you have talked about possibly playing with? Will it include vibration?
Or if your partner has a vulva, maybe they’ll be wondering whether it’ll involve some kind of new clitoral stimulation. Will it be penetrative sex with a vibrating bullet, perhaps? Not knowing when the extra stimulation will happen will get the blood pumping, and never knowing where it’ll be coming from is a huge turn-on for some folks.
Tie your partner up with a scarf
As mentioned, it turns out a ton of folks fantasize about bondage, and scarves can be an easy place to start, since they’re soft and safe. It’s really hard to do actual damage with a scarf.
The whole tying someone up thing might be more popular than you think. According to one U.S. survey, around 20% of respondents said they’ve been tied up before. And that’s just the people that have done it — even more people want to be getting it on in this wave of sexy sexiness. Another Canadian study found that a whopping 72% of male respondents and 59% of female respondents had fantasized about being tied up!
Now, the truth is an inexperienced bondage fan can actually cause harm if they try rope bondage without knowing what they’re doing. Sometimes you can cut off circulation and other times you can actually tie a knot that you can’t get untied (this is a good time to mention the necessity of having safety scissors on hand if you’re ever doing rope play!).
Sticking to scarves if you're just getting started is a great idea. One of good sex tips is to ensure that you can slip two fingers in between the tie and the skin; this helps ensure that you won’t cut off circulation, which definitely can do damage. Also, pick a scarf that's actually strong enough to endure a little pulling. Then go wild!
Get some bed restraints
Ready to go further than scarves? You might be in the market for some under-the-bed restraints, or canvas strap restraints. These are hot sexy toys that do exactly what they sound like they do — allow you to tie someone down without having to deal with knots or ties or anything else. They also come with their own quick-release mechanisms, so you don’t have to worry about knots that get themselves tighter as you pull, or being hard to remove after sexy time is over.
The easiest sex position for this is missionary, though you can also play around with cowgirl or reverse cowgirl if you’ve got those kinds of sexy bits. Having someone face down in this position can also be very hot, though you do want to be mindful of their ability to breathe and stay comfortable.
It’s straightforward to do this, by the way: Just lie on your back with your arms above your head and your legs spread, then have your partner bind your wrists and ankles to the bed frame. Hot! If you’re the one in control here, you can also do things like stimulate the perineum more easily, which can be incredibly pleasurable.
Get some handcuffs
Whether you go with Doc Johnson silicone handcuffs or any of the other extensive choices, there are all kinds of hot ways to use handcuffs. You can handcuff someone to the bottom of the bed frame. You can handcuff someone’s arms behind their back and blindfold them. You can really get creative here and it can be super hot.
Do the “rear entry standing”
There are lots of fun bondage sex positions. For example, rear entry standing is a great way of playing with balance, trust, and control. In this position, one of you bends over, and your partner binds your wrists to your ankles. You really want to make sure you keep your feet about shoulder-width apart so you can balance better.
Then you have your partner enter you from behind (hot!), while they also maintain connection with you by having their hands on your hips. Why? So you don’t fall over. This is where the trust bit comes in. You’d be surprised at how erotic and stimulating it is to know that you’re at the mercy of the thruster, or that the person receiving your thrusts is trusting you with that. After all, thrust and trust are only one letter apart!
This is also a great position to pair with toys like a hands-free clitoral stimulator. Or maybe, if you’ve got a cock, you want to experiment with a vibrating ring (aka penis ring) or some other way of playing with your erections. Vibrating penis rings can be a way of providing powerful vibrations not just to you, but your partner, as well. Just make sure you get an adjustable cock ring for comfort.
It’s worth noting that for those who’ve got a penis, an erection ring can be a fun addition to the whole damn thing. According to GQ writer Scott Muska, “I have enough self-awareness to know that I’m no sexual dynamo. Probably never will be. I mean, I like to think I'm usually mostly serviceable in the sack—but I also know if you were to poll most of the women I've been lucky enough to sleep with they would identify several areas where there is definite room for improvement.
So if there’s something I can do to boost my performance and my partner's bondage experience, I’ll definitely try it at least once—if it’s within reason and (probably) not going to kill me. All the better if it's also supposed to somehow make sex feel even more amazing on my end … So when I was given an opportunity to try [a vibrating cock ring], I shrugged and said, ‘Sure, I’ll put that thing on my dick and see what happens.’”
If you’re not familiar with them, it’s worth pointing out that vibrating cock rings can provide a few pretty great things that can add spice and delight to many a couple’s sexual shenanigans — for example, fuller erections that last longer, orgasms that can make you go ka-boom, and hands-free clitoral stimulation, meaning nobody’s got to hold that vibe while things are goin’ on.
So how’d it go for Muska? “Once on, I turned on its vibration feature and then proceeded to stare at my dick for a few moments to see if it was larger than usual. It didn’t really appear so, but I can attest that my erection seemed fuller than normal; more throbbing and with an extra thickness, if you will. As for the vibrations, they felt a little bit strange at first, but in an arousing way. It kind of made my shaft and testicles tingle …
Once we really got into it, I noticed some of the improvements I’d been looking for. I felt like I had a pretty powerful erection, and my partner’s words of encouragement really urged me on. Normally, said urgings coax me to ejaculation pretty quickly, maybe because my body appreciates the verbal encouragement and support, but before too long I realized that I had been showing a display of endurance that is not exactly typical for me. I had been going longer than usual without reaching that pre-orgasm point-of-no-return. This gave us the opportunity to try several positions while wearing the ring.”
And for his partner? “My partner enjoyed the way the cock ring’s vibration was stimulating her clit, to the point that when she was on top of me, she just kind of stopped moving and laid there, letting the ring do its thing. (I was happy to let her do that for as long as she liked, as I’d discovered that I was not in the physical shape to keep going without pause longer than I was used to.”
Get a remote control toy that your partner can’t control
Want to really spice up date night? Get a vibrator that fits inside your partner’s panties, to which you hold the key. A lot of sex toys in this category are made for couples, and come with an app so you can control the amount of stimulation they get.
Or you could just have them wear it all day at work and randomly interrupt their workday with a little jolt. This can be an extremely erotic, surprising, and naughty way of staying connected even if you’re in a long-distance relationship!
And just a gentle reminder to thoroughly clean your sex toys with either a toy cleaner (that comes with some toys) or warm water and soap.
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When it comes to sex tips, the name of the game is experimentation and holding an open space for exploration. And that goes for wherever you are — in partnership, dating, or just trying out new sex tips.
And if you’re in a relationship where you’re trying to regain that spark, to have hot sex again after going without, that’s also very much on the menu. As sexpert Tracey Cox, says, “You can’t fight biology, but you can trick it. Try something different, have more ‘naughty’ sex. Try it at the other end of the bed.”
Or in the words of sex therapist Zimmerman, “Whether you're in a relationship or not—and whether you choose to share this process with a partner or not—your exploration of your own erotic template and your own arousal patterns has value. Each and every one of us deserves to enjoy the most satisfying and exciting sex life possible, and knowing your own true definition of eroticism is the key to opening up all of life's pleasurable possibilities.”
