We’re about halfway through December now, which, like all Decembers before, means that colored lights are a-twinkling on houses, Santa and/or his reindeer have appeared at the mall, and you’ll have to perform some pretty fancy radio maneuvers to avoid hearing “It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas” once an hour. As for snowfall, we’ve only had one worth mentioning in our little corner of the world, but it’s safe to say that more is coming. It’s always safe to say that more is coming!
Another surefire sign that December has arrived is the ‘How To Survive the Holidays’ article. You know the type- it’s full of well-meaning but much easier said-than-done tips like ‘just say no to things you don’t have time for!’, ‘keep up with your exercise routine!’ (apparently it’s nature’s mood stabilizer or something), ‘don’t overindulge at the office snack table!’ etc.
Maybe there are people out there who honestly haven’t considered just saying no to a mom demanding 3 hours of craft time, dinner and then a carol service on Sunday (this happened to me today), or who don’t have a professional baker at work (we do). If you’re one of those people, you’re in luck! There are about a zillion articles and blogs offering some great advice for you to try. As for us, we’ll stick to what we know, and that, friends, is sex.
Today we’re going to be sprinkling a little merry and magical PinkCherry sexiness over three classic holiday chaos survival tips. What, you may ask, do we have to offer in the way of holiday survival? Well, perhaps you’ve noticed that just about all ‘how to stay sane during the holidays’ articles focus on stress relief. Perhaps you’ve also noticed that right after a good orgasm, stressed is the last thing you feel? It’s no coincidence! So without further ado, here are some stress-banishing, orgasm-upping holiday sexiness survival tips from your pals at PinkCherry. You’re welcome!
# 1- Plan Ahead (For Sex)
We know that penciling (iCal’ing, whatever) sex into your schedule might not sound particularly hot, but bear with us. We’re busy. All of us. Always. It’s hard to find enough hours in the day for even the most mundane of life doings, and that’s without the added time crunch of the holidays. You know this. But like we mentioned just a moment ago, orgasms = less stress. Making time for (good!) sex, or at least a great romp with a favorite vibrator should be a priority especially during the holidays. Seriously! We’ve got the science to back it up.
The star of today’s sexy stress relief show is oxytocin. It’s a chemical (technically a hormone) naturally occuring in the body and manned by the brain’s posterior pituitary gland. Oxytocin is important, to say the least. Aside from being responsible for that warm and fuzzy euphoric feeling you get when you’re in love, it plays a role in social bonding, empathy, trust, childbirth, and much more. It also - and this is where we prove our point about orgasm - counteracts the evil cortisol, which is better known as the stress chemical. During sexual arousal, oxytocin starts pumping through the bloodstream in much higher levels than usual, and when orgasm hits, oxytocin production peaks. ‘Bye stress!
That’s all well and good, you might be thinking, but it still doesn’t add more hours to the day (or night). That’s true, and it’s precisely why you need to schedule holiday sexiness. Even as your mind is spinning with thoughts of office parties, secret santas and what your vegan sister is going to be able to eat at this weekend’s family brunch, having a set sex date with your partner or yourself will give you something to look forward to. A stress relieving light at the end of the wrapping paper-lined tunnel, if you will!
That being said, we’ve got a few tips to help with planning. The first might not sound terribly helpful, but it’s definitely necessary: just pick a day. If you’re anything like us, your calendar is jam packed, and there might not be a free slot to be found. Write ‘sex!’ or come up with an innocent-looking symbol to draw between ‘office gift exchange’ and ‘ornament painting with mom.’ Seeing that reminder will keep future sexiness in mind. After all, anticipation is half the fun!
If you’re comfortable with planning ahead but need a little inspiration to actually keep the date you’ve planned for, we suggest putting some sexy spin on a beloved holiday tradition: the advent calendar! We highly recommend creating one of your own. It doesn’t need to be fancy or break the budget, just pick up a few little (or big!) vibes, dildos, plugs, or other romance basics you may have been eyeing, and unwrap/unbox one a day leading up to the 25th (or other main event). You don’t need to go all out with 24, but try to sync your erotic version of the advent calendar to the days you’ve blocked off for sex on your actual calendar.
For an extra easy take on tradition, we’ve got great Oral Sex Scratch Tickets ! Choose a naughty sticker at random to inspire your holiday sex days, or number them ahead of time in true advent style.
#2- Nourish Your Body & Mind
We will never ever not recommend taking excellent care of yourself, but making time for relaxation, self care and you-focused pampering is, just like making time for orgasms, an absolute must around the holidays.
No matter how much we may hate it, exercise is extremely important to self-care. Workouts keep our bodies fit and healthy, yes, but remember that stress annihilating oxytocin hormone we went on and on about above? Guess what else increases our levels of oxytocin? Yep, exercise! If you’re anything like us and really really not into the gym or snowy early morning jogs (ugh), you can just have lots of sex instead. A good enthusiastic roll in the sack can burn up to 172 calories depending on position and intensity. Plus, you’ll get an extra hit of oxytocin courtesy of arousal and (hopefully) orgasm. Okay, now that the exercise lecture is out of the way, let’s move onto relaxation. Our favourite!
We can’t talk about relaxation without mentioning massage. There’s nothing better than feeling the hands of someone we really like all over us. Not only can massage melt away tension and soothe aching muscles, but it can also be pretty spectacular foreplay. Aromatherapy adds to relaxation, especially in combination with pressure and touch. The massage experts at Earthly Body have silky smoothness and the best scents fully covered. We highly recommend adding one or three of their massage oils, lotions or maybe a massage candle to your nice list.
When it comes to alone-time relaxation, a nice hot bath can work wonders. Add in some sweet smelling bubbles with Shunga's Love Bath or bring Womanizer’s brand new waterproof Liberty in to play. Relaxation (and, in the case of the Liberty, orgasm) practically guaranteed!
#3 Make Your Own (Sexy) Traditions
For most of us, the holidays are full of tradition. Most are good (gingerbread houses), others are weird (elf on the shelf) some are annoying (Mom’s very short-notice ornament painting party!), but they’re all part of the experience. One piece of holiday advice we’ve seen in a few survival guides is: “Make your own traditions!”
We borrowed some suggestions from Glamour magazine’s 2013 article 23 Holiday Traditions To Start With Your Guy by Gena Kaufman, and we’re going to put our PinkCherry touch on a few of them. We’ll change ‘Your Guy’ to ‘Your Partner’ though, because it’s almost 2019!
- Their version: Agree to skip the shopping and buy yourselves one nice mutual gift like a record player for the house or a pricey bottle of scotch to enjoy together.
- PinkCherry version: Agree to a night of online sex toy shopping. Get cozy on the couch or in bed, and browse our website for one or two nice mutual sexy gifts to enjoy together. Need some recommendations? Satisfyer’s Multifun Couple’s Vibe, We Vibe’s Jive Wearable G-Spot or Lux Fantasy’s Everything You Need Set
- Their Version: Send your friends and family a funny joint card.
- PinkCherry Version: Send each other a sexy card. If you’ve got a good printer, print up a selfie of you wearing some Edible Candy Cane Pasties or maybe the bright red Collar With Leash. If a photo isn’t possible, or if you’re not comfortable with the idea, you could write down a fantasy, make up a naughty rhyme or even draw a sexy sketch.
- Their Version: Forget your usual cool, and don matching holiday sweaters
- PinkCherry Version: Forget your usual cool, and don nothing but matching holiday sweaters. Then take them off and have sex!
- Their Version: Take a day off work together mid-December to actually relax in the midst of all the shopping/traveling/cooking chaos.
- PinkCherry Version: Take a day off work together mid-December to actually relax in the midst of all the shopping/traveling/cooking chaos. Nope, that’s not a mistake! We wouldn’t change anything about this one, we’d just add ‘and also, be sure to have some sex.’
#4. Find Ways to Have Quiet Sex
Since we’re on the topic of sexy holiday traditions, we should mention something that could throw a wrench into your best laid sex plans - houseguests. If you’ve got kids, roommates or thin walls, you may already be a pro at quiet sex. For some of us though (myself included), the holidays can be a challenge, sex-wise. Luckily, we have some tips for quiet(er) sex.
A statement courtesy of Captain Obvious: toys can make noise. Vibrators, specifically. If you’re planning on whipping out a sex toy to help make your holidays merry, you can either go with something silent like a dildo or butt plug, or else choose a vibe known to be extremely quiet like We-Vibe’s Unite 2.0 or Yumi’s Rechargeable Finger Vibe. Of course, no matter how quiet the toy, you’re going to have to control your own sex sounds, too. If you’re comfy with a little kinkiness, you can always opt for a gag, but if not, waiting ‘till the houseguests have gone out for some last minute shopping or cranking the volume on your holiday playlist might do the trick.
Bottom line: love ’em or hate ‘em, the holidays are happening! Hopefully we’ve given you some useful tips for making the most of festive sexiness, but if not, maybe we can leave you with a laugh? To wind up this year’s holiday sex survival guide, we’ve collected some of the best (worst) holiday-themed jokes we could find. Enjoy, and very merry sexytimes from all of us at PinkCherry!
- How does Darth Vader know what everyone is getting for Christmas?
He felt their presents.
- Why can’t vampires bite snowmen?
They’ll get frostbite.
- Why does Rudolph the Reindeer constantly interrupt people?
He’s Rude-olph.
- What song do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!
